This story is comedy gold 馃槀
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Maybe it鈥檚 love, or maybe she just can鈥檛 unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone鈥檚 neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn鈥檛 speak English
3: Woof Woof
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you鈥檝e reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 馃檪
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
馃幍Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR馃幎
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Dissecting someone who鈥檚 really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”