This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
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male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My dad.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?