I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
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If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
wtf is an acronym
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….