Though we all kinda know, it’s impossible to define exactly what gist means.
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Note to parents: asking your teen to check if a package arrived does not imply they should also bring it inside. I know this now.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.