[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I found your tweet-up…
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Intelligence is the new cleavage
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer