Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
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you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.