Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.