[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
i dont have time for this
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
There is no “we” in pizza
Best spot.. 😅
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Yup.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.