“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
馃ぃ馃ぃ
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
All day: I鈥檓 so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
saving face 馃憖
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you鈥檒l be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now