Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.