[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
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One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on