“What movie?” 🤔
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?