I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
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Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I falcon love using swear birds
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.