Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
me doing my best
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.