Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I know
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
🏙👨🏼
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
real
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.