Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?