Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
first you must answer his riddles
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.