Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
This is always good for a laugh.
the red hot silly peppers
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant