“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
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Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I’ve been learning to cook.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.