When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.