When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
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*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
mechanics be like
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!