Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.