Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.