Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
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DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Sing it!
thats my bad
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*