Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I need to get some bricks…
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.