Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
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I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
I feel it
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Take care of yourself, ladies
Respect
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6