WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
rapatouille
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class