Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️
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This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that