You are not alone 馃挌
You Might Also Like
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
How I’d get arrested…
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It鈥檚 impossible to tell.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Baller is short for ballerina
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
KATY PERRY: 馃幎 baby you鈥檙e a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY鈥橲 DOG: I hate this song
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign