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– Diet ads for Cannibals
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Sharon I have some bad news
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?