7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five