Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before