І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
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Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”