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ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You deplete me
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Autocorrect completely socks
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Erm I’m gonna say no
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider