♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
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Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
So creative 😂
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
i will not be silenced
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.