♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
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My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?