[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.