❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.