🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
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dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.