🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.