🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors