馃幎 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
You Might Also Like
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
hot air balloon pilot: we鈥檙e gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I鈥檓 replacing.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
it鈥檚 time for sharks to evolve again. it鈥檚 been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I鈥檓 controlling them with my mind, that鈥檚 normal right?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.