👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
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[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions