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A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My god she’s good.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Come back with a warrant
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
notice
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay