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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Smells like a challenge to me
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap