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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
RT if you know someone like this!!!