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Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.