😏😏😏
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*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.