🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.