To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!